At some point, many parents will hear the words, “I don’t want to do martial arts anymore.”
It can be surprising, particularly when a child once couldn't wait to get to training. They may have loved putting on their uniform, learning new techniques, earning their first stripes and telling everyone about what they did in class. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, getting them to training becomes a challenge.
As a parent, it can be difficult to know how to respond. Should you encourage them to continue? Should you respect their decision and allow them to stop? Are you teaching perseverance by asking them to stick with it, or are you forcing them to participate in something they no longer enjoy?
At IMC Gregory Hills, we believe there is an important step before making either decision: understanding why your child wants to quit in the first place.
Children's motivation naturally changes over time. Adults experience the same thing. We don't wake up every morning excited to exercise, go to work or complete all of our responsibilities, even when we know those things are important to us.
For children, understanding the difference between “I genuinely don't enjoy this anymore” and “I don't enjoy how this feels right now” can be difficult.
There are certainly times when a child may have a genuine reason for wanting to stop an activity, and those feelings should be listened to and taken seriously. However, there are also times when the desire to quit comes from frustration, disappointment, tiredness or the discomfort of being challenged.
Understanding which of these your child is experiencing is far more valuable than immediately deciding whether they should stay or leave.
The beginning of a child's martial arts journey is exciting. There is a new uniform to wear, new instructors to meet, new techniques to learn and new goals to work towards. During those first few months, progress can also feel incredibly noticeable.
Eventually, however, martial arts stops being new.
This is a normal part of participating in any long-term activity. The excitement that initially motivated a child to attend every class begins to settle, and consistency becomes more important.
This can actually be an important stage in their development. Children begin to discover that commitment doesn't always mean feeling excited about something. There will be afternoons when they would rather stay home, play a game or watch television instead of going to training.
If a child generally enjoys themselves once they arrive at class, but regularly says they don't want to go beforehand, it may not necessarily mean they want to quit. Sometimes, they are simply learning one of the first lessons of commitment: we don't always feel motivated to do the things that are good for us.
When children first begin martial arts, improvement can happen quickly. Learning their fighting stance, remembering a combination or performing a new kick can create a regular sense of achievement.
As they become more experienced, the standard naturally increases. Techniques become more complicated, expectations grow and progress may no longer be as obvious from one week to the next.
For a child who is accustomed to picking things up quickly, this can be frustrating. They may begin to believe they aren't good at martial arts simply because something that was once easy has become challenging.
Sometimes “I want to quit” actually means “I don't like feeling like I'm not good at this.”
These moments provide children with an opportunity to learn something incredibly valuable. Being good at something does not mean finding it easy all the time. Improvement requires periods of struggle, repetition and occasionally getting things wrong.
Learning to stay with something long enough to work through those periods can be far more valuable than always succeeding on the first attempt.
If your child's attitude towards training changes suddenly, it is worth finding out whether something specific has happened.
Perhaps they lost a sparring round, were submitted during BJJ, struggled with a technique or received a correction from their instructor. They may have felt embarrassed in front of the class or compared themselves to another student who seemed to perform better.
To an adult, some of these moments might seem relatively small. To a child, however, they can feel significant.
Rather than immediately trying to fix the situation, give your child an opportunity to explain what happened. Asking questions such as “What has made you feel like you don't want to train?” can often reveal much more than simply asking whether they still like martial arts.
You may discover that your child doesn't actually want to stop training. Instead, they may be trying to avoid experiencing a particular feeling again, such as embarrassment, frustration, nervousness or disappointment.
Helping them work through that experience can turn a difficult moment into an important opportunity for growth.
Children naturally compare themselves to the people around them, and martial arts is no exception. A friend might receive their next belt first, another student may learn a technique faster, or someone younger or smaller might perform better during a particular activity.
When children focus too heavily on these comparisons, it can quickly affect their confidence and enjoyment.
One of the lessons we continually reinforce at IMC Gregory Hills is that progress in martial arts is individual. Students develop at different rates, have different strengths and will face different challenges throughout their training.
Progress is also not measured exclusively by the colour of the belt around someone's waist.
A student who confidently volunteers to demonstrate after previously being too nervous to do so has progressed. A child who can lose a game without becoming upset has progressed. A student who begins helping a new classmate, remembers a combination independently or chooses to try again after making a mistake has progressed.
These achievements can be easy to overlook, but they are often some of the most meaningful signs of development.
Children today can have surprisingly busy schedules. Between school, homework, sport, family commitments and other extracurricular activities, there will inevitably be days when they are exhausted.
If the conversation about quitting always seems to happen immediately before training, it is worth considering what happens once your child actually arrives.
A child who complains about going to martial arts but walks out of the Centre smiling and talking about class may be experiencing something very different from a child who consistently appears unhappy before, during and after training.
Rather than making a long-term decision based on one difficult afternoon, look at the pattern over time. Sometimes “I don't want to do martial arts anymore” simply means “I'm tired and I don't want to do martial arts today.”
There is an important difference between the two.
Parents and instructors see different sides of a child's martial arts experience, which is why communication can be particularly helpful when a student begins losing motivation.
An instructor may have noticed that the child has been struggling with a particular technique, comparing themselves to someone else, becoming frustrated during certain activities or lacking confidence.
In many cases, relatively small changes can help a child rediscover their motivation. Setting a new goal, providing some additional encouragement, changing a training partner or simply helping the child recognise how much they have already improved can make a significant difference.
At IMC Gregory Hills, we would always prefer parents to speak with us before deciding to withdraw a child who has previously enjoyed their training. It gives us an opportunity to understand what they are experiencing and, where appropriate, work together to help them through it.
There isn't a single answer that applies to every child or every situation.
We don't believe a child should be forced indefinitely to participate in an activity that consistently makes them unhappy. If there is an ongoing issue affecting their wellbeing or they genuinely no longer enjoy martial arts, their feelings deserve to be heard.
At the same time, we don't believe every uncomfortable experience needs to result in walking away.
There is an important difference between something being wrong and something being difficult.
If a child wants to quit because they are continually unhappy, anxious or experiencing an unresolved problem, that deserves careful attention. If they want to quit because they lost, haven't received their next belt yet, are struggling with a new skill or have reached a stage where training requires more effort, there may be value in helping them work through that challenge before making a final decision.
Part of growing up is learning that frustration does not always mean stop, and difficulty does not always mean we are incapable.
It is relatively easy to continue an activity when everything is going well. Motivation comes naturally when we're succeeding, progressing quickly and enjoying every session.
The greater lessons often appear when that isn't the case.
Martial arts gives children opportunities to discover whether they can keep trying when something is difficult, accept feedback without becoming discouraged, return after losing and continue working towards a goal when the reward isn't immediate.
Those lessons extend far beyond the martial arts mats.
One day, the challenge won't be learning a difficult kick or preparing for a grading. It might be studying for an exam, learning a new skill, starting a job, missing out on an opportunity or pursuing a goal that takes years rather than weeks to achieve.
We cannot remove every difficult experience our children will encounter, nor should we want to. What we can do is help them develop the confidence and resilience to recognise:
“This is difficult, but that doesn't mean I can't do it.”
When your child says they want to quit martial arts, the goal shouldn't necessarily be to convince them to stay. It should be to understand what is behind the decision.
Listen to them. Ask questions. Look at whether their feelings are temporary or consistent, and speak with their instructor before making a final decision.
Sometimes stopping an activity genuinely will be the right choice. Other times, what sounds like “I want to quit” may actually be a child saying they are frustrated, embarrassed, afraid of failing or struggling with the fact that something has become difficult.
Those are very different situations, and quitting isn't necessarily the solution to all of them.
At IMC Gregory Hills, we want our students to enjoy martial arts and develop their skills, but the lessons we hope they take from training extend much further than learning how to kick, punch or grapple.
We want them to learn that they can experience frustration without giving up, make mistakes without believing they are a failure, have a difficult day and return the next, and work towards something even when progress isn't immediate.
Sometimes, one of the most valuable lessons martial arts can teach a child is simply this: